Murder and Meyham

First and foremost, I must apologize to all my readers for the delay in writing this latest blog entry. Truth is… it has been a difficult few weeks and although I find writing to be somewhat therapeutic, I just could not bring myself to put finger to key in my condition. I have been both mentally and physically drained which has thus affected my writing and to you all, I apologize for that.

In terms of my depression, there is really nothing new to report on that field. It’s there. Ever present. Hanging over me like a big black cloud. Only that cloud has become darker. Exactly two weeks ago I received word that my Uncle had been murdered back in our home land. He was brutally beaten and then run over by the vehicle of the perpetrators. The autopsy revealed that my uncle died as a result of the internal organs in his chest being crushed.

Being her younger brother my mother alongside my other aunt and uncle living in Canada and England rushed to the home land to carry out the grim task of settling funeral arrangements for their beloved brother and speaking with police concerning the accused and the murder.

Since the day of that alleged phone call when I first heard the news of my uncle, my brain has been in an eternal fog. I can’t seem to concentrate… not that that wasn’t an issue with my depression. It’s just now become worse. I feel a heaviness in my heart and soul and I know that is due to the loss of my uncle.

I wish I had more optimistic news for you all in this blog but I guess that’s just the way life is. Sometimes good. Sometimes not so good.

Fed Up!!!

There is calm and serenity at the end of every storm. I have to believe these words….

Yes, I’m back after a long absence from this blog. Since I last wrote, I am now thankfully, completely off Prednizone and have been for a few weeks. I have been off alcohol for the greater part of the year but am still battling the urges to drink especially during such down times.

My weight has skyrocketed and I am not at all comfortable in my own skin. It doesn’ t make it any easier when people make stupid comments or jokes related to my weight. You would think that it is a known fact that you never comment on a woman’s weight. Most women seem to understand this unwritten rule but men just don’t get it… at least… that has been my observation and experience.

I know my weight gain is from the antidepressants as I was forewarned about this side effect from day one by several medical professionals working in the mental health field. But… what am I to do??? I wasn’t  given the option of going on them or not. I was simply told; “take these in order to save your life.”

With my most recent weight gain and a very unpleasant comment I received over the weekend from a close family friend, I have decided to try to take control over my weight. I know it will not be easy as these antidepressants affect certain glands and hormones causing the body to store and retain fat as well as slow the metabolism. However, I have to do it!!! For myself and to cease unwanted, hurtful comments by others.

I have started a detox which is basically a fast where I am only drinking fluids to flush my system. Day 1 was a disaster but day 2 went exceptionally well and so far the scale is saying that I have lost 7lbs. I know this is only water weight but it makes me feel good knowing the scale is moving in the right direction.

As for my drinking… as mentioned earlier…. I have been off large consumptions of alcohol for the greater portion of the year and am thus battling the demons of withdrawal. I have been experiencing headaches, even greater difficulties with my insomnia, hallucinations involving seeing and hearing things that aren’t there… To make matters that much more delightful in my life, my psychiatrist has put me on yet another medication. Gabapentin, has been prescribed to help me deal with my withdrawal symptoms from alcohol.

I am so fed up with all these drugs. I feel like a drug addict. I take a total of 10 pills at night and 1 pill in the morning. Eleven pills a day just so I can function and I still feel like crap!?!? Come on!!! There just has to be a way out for me.

I am fed up, fed up, fed up! If it wasn’t for the presence of Church in my life, I don’t know how I would be managing.

Tapering…

I know it’s been awhile since I last wrote a blog entry but it has been a trying period for me. My Rheumatologist has been tapering me off of Prednizone and it has been quite a trip. I have been taking eight of the tiny white pills each day for a few weeks now which is a fairly hefty dose of the steroid. I am now down to half of that dosage. I take four pills every morning and by late next week, I’ll be down to two pills a day. The tapering off of this drug has been brutal. I haven’t felt well at all during the whole process. The dizziness, sore throat, fatigue and lethargy that accompanies the gradual tapering off of Prednizone is really not something to be reckoned with. There are times when I’m just so dizzy I simply cannot perform routine, mundane tasks. The dizziness is so crippling that I have to lie down. In fact, I have been in bed for the greater part of the past five days.

I’ve also put a stop to my drinking since I last wrote and I think it’s safe to assume that the gut wrenching headache and cold sweats I’ve been experiencing for the past few days are all part of the effects of being without alcohol. I haven’t had the energy to do my usual standard of research and look into the withdrawal effects of Prednizone or alcohol so I’m strictly self-diagnosing based on how I’ve been feeling since the date of my last entry which was on January 5th.

I’m not going to lie. It’s been a rough few days and I’m not looking forward to the next few days and what they have in store for me especially if it’s been anything like the past week. I hope all these symptoms I’ve been experiencing will start to taper off so that I may start living life. This just can’t be what life is supposed to be. The constant pain, the debilitating fatigue…. This to me is ‘not’ living.

Despite the way I’ve been feeling, I plan on tapering off of something else in my life. Sugar!!! I’ve come to the realization that my daily sugar intake is quite high which can’t be helping my weight issues. As such, for the next couple of weeks I plan on doing a little test. I’m going to drop my sugar intake to about a quarter of what I normally take on a daily basis and see if this change will help me shed some poundage.

After all, it’s 2014 right? For me, the year of change!!!

COLD TURKEY

I have been toying away for hours trying to come up with a plan of action for my drinking and nothing is coming to mind. I keep typing and backspacing. I have played with the idea of tapering off but I don’t think that will work. I think one drink will easily lead to a second and so on and so on. I have come to the conclusion that I will attempt to quit cold turkey. I’ve been reading a lot about people who have done it before and I believe that I can do or at least attempt to do it.

As such, my plan of action that has been written out for my psychiatrist contains only two words in bold, cap lock lettering:  COLD TURKEY.

Plan of Action

As mentioned in yesterday’s blog, today was my appointment with my psychiatrist. As I sat cross-legged across from the doctor, he wasted no time in bringing up the subject of alcohol and alcohol abuse. In my case, the problem is serious enough where it could be hindering my progress.

 

The problem with alcohol is that it hides under false pretence making the individual consuming the alcohol feel slightly better, however that feeling quickly diminishes. Secondly, alcohol, especially taken in the evening time, interferes severely with sleep making it next to impossible to shut your eyes for the night and have a decent night’s slumber.

 

We then talked at length about the frequency of my consumption of alcohol.  We discussed Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and the possibility of attending their meetings. My psychiatrist explained how the program worked however he didn’t agree with that being my first and only option. He is well aware that I am sick with severe depression and a decision to become a part of the AA program could potentially blow up in my face as I come from a family that will not be accepting of this reality. I would thus be faced with a debilitating disease, my anxiety and a blown secret which will constantly be talked about.

 

The resolution we arrived at was to create a plan. For my next appointment on January 14^th, 2014, I am to create a plan of action to stop my drinking completely. It will be a plan that my psychiatrist will oversee. I know it will be hard, but I am prepared to do whatever it takes to progress on that road to recovery.

Starting the New Year Off on a Buzz

Well, there are two work days left for the week; Thursday and Friday and I have two doctor’s appointments; Thursday and Friday. Today I have to see my rheumatologist concerning the pain and weakness I have been experiencing, post ECT, in my right hand. I have been diagnosed under the suspicion of inflammatory arthritis and put on Prednizone as you may recall from a previous blog posting. Honestly, who at my age has arthritis?!? At times, my life just seems to be snowballing downhill.

 

Anyway, the steroids seem to be helping as I have regained range of motion and the pain I have been experiencing has diminished somewhat. The only problem I am left with is the weakness in my right hand.

 

The doctor was pleased with my progress. She has started to taper me off of the Prednizone, a process which will take weeks as I’m on a rather high dosage of the drug. Despite the headway I have made, she has still put in a requisition at the local hospital for an MRI of my hand. I see her again on February 5^th, 2014.

 

Tomorrow I will be seeing my psychiatrist for what I anticipate will be a very long session. Our sessions usually run for a couple of hours but I really feel that this upcoming session will break the cake. I haven’t been good over the holidays. I drank way too much which resulted in other behaviours I’m not proud of.

 

Alcoholism tends to be a big problem with people who suffer from depression. The problem with alcohol and alcohol abuse is that it hides under the pretense of making you feel better only to have your mood plunge within an hour or so later. You actually end up feeling worse than you did prior to taking that first drink.

 

As we have had this conversation before, I would imagine that my psychiatrist is not going to be overly impressed with me. He’s probably going to see me as starting 2014 off on a buzz opposed to the sober note I had promised.

 

Since my diagnosis of depression, my drinking has become worse and it’s something that I will have to work on for the New Year. I am determined to work on it.

Happy New Year!

Well here we are at the beginning of another year and I feel like this is the year for some changes. Some positive changes. 2013 provided a whirlwind of action and emotion. It was a rough year and I think it’s safe to say that it was a tough year for many people so I should not be selfish in assuming  I’m the only one who experienced difficulties.

I feel like last year was hard for many people emotionally, physically and financially but I don’t want to spend this blog talking about the pitfalls of 2013, I want to talk about the beauties that 2014 has is store for all of us. I feel it!

Yesterday I was in such a funk and my friend Stephanie knew it. She made it her mission to cheer me up. Once the clock struck 11:00pm, Stephanie dragged me out of bed and we got all decked out like we were going out for a night on the town. She did my hair and make-up, we poured ourselves a couple glasses of champaign and rang in the New Year together. It was the first time in a long time that I actually felt happy.

All my concerns and the pressure I felt about the coming of the New Year and not knowing what my role was, was simply washed away. I have good friends like Stephanie who reminded me that I am loved and have come to the realization that 2014 is not my time to know what my role is for the year but my time to figure it out.

I already have some idea as to what I want to see happen this year. I want to get better, I want freedom from my depression, I want to drive more… As you can see, I have myself a little list going. The rest of what 2014 has in store for me has yet to unfold and I’m going to stay positive and envision only the good things.

Happy New Year Everyone! I hope 2014 is filled with lots of happiness, love, prosperity and abundance for you all.

How Will You be Ringing in the New Year?

“December is fading away
there’s a new year coming your way
all frustrations drowned
with the chill of cold air around
as the new year rises array
everybody say hip hip hurry!” – Author Anonymous

How will ‘I’ be ringing in the new year? Very quietly! Adorned in the exquisite attire of my flannel pajamas, surrounded by my immediate family. No, I’m not going out to celebrate the coming of the New Year in any elaborate fashion! Although I must say good riddance to the old one. This past year was tough especially since it housed my last hospitalization. I was zapped with ECT leading to mild brain damage and memory loss which only served to worsen my mood leading me further and deeper into the belly of depression.

My lack of interest in kicking off the New Year in an elaborate fashion does not mean I’m not looking forward to the coming of it. Quite the contrary. I am very excited about 2014 and what it has in store for me. I feel only good things coming my way this year!

Over the past year when my depression hit rock bottom, I was forced to learn coping strategies to assist me in bettering my mood or at the very least, to bring me out of my suicidal state. Although the ECT reeked havoc on my memory making it difficult for me to recall what I had learned, I simply re-learned the forgotten and employed further strategies that could be used as outlets in times of distress. As such, I feel like I am better equipped in facing anything the New Year throws at me.

I also hope that 2014 is the time for new beginnings. In terms of; working; driving; fostering new relationships; and partaking in creative projects.

You’re probably wondering what I mean about the driving. Well, because of my past suicide attempts, that privilege was taken away from me. I didn’t care much because I wasn’t going anywhere and I always had a fear of driving following a major car accident that occurred when I was four. Being recently granted the privilege of going behind the wheel once again, I plan on showing a brave face and driving more in 2014. I think not having to depend on anyone to take me here and there will only increase my independence and self-esteem. Those are two great mood builders right there.

However you choose to ring in the new year, make it special for YOU. Do what makes you feel the most comfortable and energized for the road ahead. For me, sitting back in quiet reflection of those things past and the excitement of things to come is just the way I need to be ringing in 2014. In quiet and solitude. How will you ring in the new year?

To all my fellow bloggers and fans I wish you all the very best for this coming year. I’ll talk to you in 2014. 

Happy New Year!

“Some mornings …

“Some mornings we wake up feeling good, ready to go out and take on the world and ‘be’ a great day. But on other days we wake up to a grayness that makes the whole world seem depressing. On those dark days we need to remember: ‘Everyday is a blessing to behold’.” – Iyanla Vanzant

I love this quotation by Iyanla Vanzant (one of my favorite inspirational writers). Each one of her words provides a gem of truth. When I read this quote, I am reminded that things will not always go according to plan in life and that there are days that may seem really down and dark as a result but there is sunlight even during those dark times which we must hold on and grasp on to.

Insomnia Is Kicking my Butt

It’s 4:58am and I’m up writing this blog after only falling asleep less than two hours ago. As you might have already guessed, my insomnia is kicking my butt. I just can’t seem to fall asleep and when I do, I can’t stay asleep. In light of my failure to slumber, I decided to indulge myself with a glass of water and a squeeze of lemon juice. As I made my way from the kitchen back to the bedroom, my legs felt heavy. Like I was carrying an enormous load. I’m tired but not tired enough to sleep.

 

As is normally the case during my nights plagued with insomnia, fatigue normally sets in during the day through which I feel tremendously sluggish. Despite this feeling, I do my best not to nap during the day. My mentality is that if I nap during the day, this will mess up my sleep at nights even further. Not that I can imagine it getting any worse but it’s a conscious thought nonetheless.

 

My psychiatrist is trying to introduce me to sleep hygiene. He’s doing this with the large number of sleep medication I’m on but I suppose he’s trying to get me on some sort of a routine for when the night medications stop working as sleep medications never work forever. The plan is to go to sleep every night at the same time, wake up every morning at the same time and no napping throughout the day. I have been practicing this regime for weeks now with zero success. I go lie down at the same time every night but rarely do I fall asleep right away. I’m up for hours until sleep finally and reluctantly takes hold of my body. The couple of hours that I am asleep are far from restful. I am often plagued with nightmares and night-sweats hence contributing to greater fatigue during the day.

 

I will have to have a conversation with my doctor about the mishaps I’ve been experiencing when it comes to proper sleep hygiene and find out if there are any other alternatives. I strongly believe  that poor sleep does not help with my depression as the body does need rest to repair and regenerate itself.

 

Fellow insomniacs, what do you do to assist with sleep? Have you found any useful strategies? At this point I’m open to any suggestions.